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Sharing some of the humorous items going around the internet...

How Cold Is It? In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many freighters carried iron cannons and those cannons fired iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a good supply of cannon balls near the cannon but how to prevent them from rolling about the deck? The best storage method was a square based pyramid with one ball on top, resting on four resting on nine which rested on sixteen. Thus, a supply of cannon balls could be stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There was only one problem - - how to prevent the bottom layer from sliding/rolling from under the others. The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey" with sixteen round indentations. However, if this plate was made of iron, the iron cannon balls would quickly rust to it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make "Brass Monkeys." Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently, when the temperature dropped too far, the brass indentations would shrink so much that the iron cannon balls would come right off the monkey. Thus, it was quite literally, "Cold Enough To Freeze The Balls Off A Brass Monkey!" Sent by Randy Steffen ('58-61) [Not really a true story, but fun] May 29, 1903 - July 27, 2003 ON TURNING 70 "You still chase women, but only downhill". ON TURNING 80 "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing." ON TURNING 90 "You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake." ON TURNING 100 " I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap." ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING "I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them." ON SAILORS "They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure." ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR "Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'." ON GOLF "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees." ON PRESIDENTS " I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six." ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER " When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations.You have an eight-pound ham'." ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL "I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it." ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother." ON HIS SIX BROTHERS "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom." ON HIS EARLY FAILURES " I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me." ON GOING TO HEAVEN "I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."	Some of the best photos from 2003 (PowerPoint) USMC Rules For Gunfighting 1. Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. 2. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. 3. Only hits count. The only thing worse than a miss is a slow miss. 4. If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly. 5. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movement are preferred.) 6. If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun. 7. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived. 8. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating, reloading, and running. 9. Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. 9.5. Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. "All skill is in vain when an Angel pisses in the flintlock of your musket." 10. Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. 12. Have a plan. 13. Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. 14. Use cover or concealment as much as possible. The visible target should be in FRONT of your gun. 15. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. 16. Don't drop your guard. 17. Always tactical load and threat scan 360 degrees. 18. Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them). 19. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH. 20. The faster you finish the fight, the less shot you will get. 21. Be polite. Be professional. But have a plan to kill everyone you meet. 22. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one. 23. Your number one Option for Personal Security is a lifelong commitment to avoidance, deterrence, and de-escalation. 24. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4." Navy Rules to Gunfighting 1. Adopt an aggressive offshore posture 2. Send the Marines 3. Drink Coffee The U.S. Navy answers the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Naval Education and Training Command (NAVEDTRA): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least three miles of visibility and a safety observer. Bureau of Naval Personnel (BUPERS): Due to the needs of the Navy, chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be 3-year unaccompanied tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for future promotion. Naval Air Warfare Center (NAWC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as "roads." Commander-in-Chief, U.S. Naval Forces, Europe (CINCUSNAVEUR): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of COMSIXTHFLEET and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without Chopping, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility. Naval Intelligence: What chicken? Naval Air Systems Command (NAVAIRSYSCOM): The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all hold short instructions. Space and Naval Warfare Systems Command (SPAWARSYSCOM): The "stovepipe" chickens of today will be replaced with a multi-function, supported, affordable, integrated and interoperable world-class chicken to warriors and supporting elements, enabling them to dominate the roads of today and tomorrow, as we move "Forward...From the Sea." Comptroller holds and corporate taxes, however, will require delay fielding for two years, unless Congressional plus-ups are approved. NAVSEASYSCOM's Chicken Systems Program Office (PMS400CSPO): In a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. The CSPO helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission. However, the actual crossing of the road has not occurred due to the number of action items still open from the meeting.

DIPPING - with a moral to the story... An old farmer had a large pond on his property fixed up for swimming. One evening the old farmer decided to take a walk, and he walked down to the pond. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!" The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies. I only came to feed the alligator." The Philosophy of Charles Schultz... The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the "Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions. Just read straight through, and you'll get the point. Name the five wealthiest people in the world. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize. Name the last six Academy Award winners for the best actor and actress. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners. How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But, the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Here's another quiz: List a few teachers who aided your journey through school. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with. Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you. Easier? The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the ones that care. Pass this on to those people who have made a difference in your life. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia" Charles Schultz MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN SOMEBODY'S LIFE!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took:

    The melody out of music,
     The pride out of appearance,
     The courtesy out of driving,
     The romance out of love,
     The commitment out of marriage,
     The responsibility out of parenthood,
     The togetherness out of the family,
     The learning out of education,
     The service out of patriotism,
     The Golden Rule from rulers,
     The nativity scene out of cities,
     The civility out of behavior,
     The refinement out of language,
     The dedication out of employment,
     The prudence out of spending,
     The ambition out of achievement, or,
     God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party......    even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps...   with a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not nearly as cute as mine.
I'm so cared for --   long term care, eye care, private care, dental care.

I'm not really grouchy,

I just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs, politicians and a few other things I can't seem to remember right now.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm beginning to realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?

And, how can my kids be older than I feel sometimes?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts..... I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

Then you're probably the family dog.

The Five Most Dangerous Things in the US Navy

A Seaman saying, "I learned this in Boot Camp..."

A Petty Officer saying, "Trust me, sir..."

A Lieutenant JG saying, "Based on my experience..."

A Lieutenant saying, "I was just thinking..."

A Chief chuckling, "Watch this shit..."

Naval Air Pilot "Squawks"

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Naval Air pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

Problem: "Left side tire almost needs replacement."
Solution: "Almost replaced left side tire."
Problem: "Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough."
Solution: "Auto-land not installed on this aircraft."
Problem #1: "#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid."
Solution #1: "#2 Propeller seepage normal."
Problem #2: "#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage."
Problem: "The autopilot doesn't."
Signed off: "IT DOES NOW."
Problem: "Something loose in cockpit."
Solution: "Something tightened in cockpit."
Problem: "Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear."
Solution: "Evidence removed."
Problem: "DME volume unbelievably loud."
Solution: "Volume set to more believable level."
Problem: "Dead bugs on windshield."
Solution: "Live bugs on order."
Problem: "Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent."
Solution: "Cannot reproduce problem on ground."
Problem: "IFF inoperative."
Solution: "IFF inoperative in OFF mode."
Problem: "Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick."
Solution: "That's what they're there for."
Problem: "Aircraft handles funny."
Solution: "Aircraft sternly warned to straighten up, fly right, and get serious."
Problem: "Target Radar hums."
Solution: "Reprogrammed Target Radar with the lyrics."
Problem: "Number three engine missing."
Solution: "Engine found on right wing after brief search."
Problem: "Mouse in cockpit."
Solution: "Cat installed."

MILITARY WITTICISMS

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.
-US Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S. Air Force

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen. MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic.
The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies

Reasons why English is so hard to learn.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in an eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.

Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

And if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly,

boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from

Guinea nor is it a pig.

You park in the driveway but you drive on the parkway. You ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house
can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And finally, how about when you want to shut down your computer you have to
hit "START!!

	HOLD IT!!!
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